Diet crazes...

I have to admit, I am a magazine junkie and if there is a magazine that has some sort of diet info on the cover (like all of them), I want to buy it and see what the diet is about.  The problem?  

They all suck.

Nuts of any kind make me sick.  There are TONS of diets that require you eat a large quantity of nuts.  I'm not a big fruit eater at all (which makes my husband CRAZY) so all of these fruit-based cleanses and diets are out.  Shakes as meal replacement?  Lactose intolerant.  So what's a girl to do?

Apparently I am expected to learn to eat properly on my own.  WHAT???  I know, crazy, right?  I have to watch what I eat and eat in moderation and exercise.  Bummer.  I want something that is going to show some results FAST.  I want to drop like 20 pounds in a month and have it stay away forever.  

Too unrealistic?  So it would seem.

It's a vicious cycle, really.  See, I've gained the weight which makes me not feel well.  I'm tired and just feel like crap in general so it's hard to exercise.  But I NEED to exercise to start losing the weight.  I like the IDEA of Bob and Jillian from the Biggest Loser to come over but I think I would cry when they yelled at me.  

So anyone got a good-lose-some-weight-FAST diet that doesn't include nuts, fruit of shakes???