Defining moments...

Okay, so the afterglow of having some time to myself in a completed bathroom has faded and life officially went back to sucking today.  

Aren't you glad you stopped by?

So I'm on the phone with my mom today and we were talking about how I'm doing and I'm like "you know...I'm just disappointed".  In what?  Well, right now pretty much everything.  I look around me at my friends who have a different kind of family than I do.  I mean, I have always known that my family was "different" but it never bothered me until now.  Mom and I talked on that a bit and it's kind of wild that we can both pick the moment that changed our lives (and we were on the same wave-length as to what that moment was).

Without getting in to a bashing session, we both agreed that the moment was when my dad left.  Life changed in that moment and it was never the same and it hasn't been the same since.  Yes, we've all grown up and moved on but ...well, did you ever see that movie "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow?  Well, the story is about a woman who's life is defined by one moment:  She is on her way home and at that point the movie splits to show how her life would have been if she actually caught the train home and the other side shows what happened because she didn't catch the train.  It's sometimes as simple as that.

If my parents hadn't split up, mom wouldn't have worked three jobs to support us.  My sister and I wouldn't have been left alone so much to fight.  Dad wouldn't have gone through his party phase and ...well, let's just say that the family would still be benefiting from that.  

I'm jealous of my friends who have families that can HELP them.  I'm envious of my friends who have parents who take them on vacation or just want to spend time with them.  I realize that I am 600 miles away from both of my parents and that was my decision to move.  But at this point in my life when things are so low, it is scary to not have anyone to help us.  Actually, I hate that we even NEED help, but we do.  


Tonight, before Frank left for band practice, we had a talk that I think is going to be a defining moment in our situation.  I have always supported Frank and encouraged him to make choices to do what he wanted career wise.  Well, tonight I pretty much lost my mind and became the anti-cheerleader and told him what I (and that is a bold and emphasized "I") NEED him to do.  I think it's a good thing that he went out after that so that it can sort of sink in and it's nice for me to have a little reflective time, as well.


Fact is, friends, I'm scared and freaking out about our finances.  I know we are not alone and that the majority of the country is struggling but I am selfishly focusing on us.  If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times, God has never left us without a roof over our heads and food on the table.  But  you know what?  This time, it just FEELS different.  It's a little too close to the fire, if you know what I mean.  


sigh...